Monthly Query Re: My Face

Dear Molly,

It's been a while since you've updated me on the state of my face, so I've had no way of knowing how scary I look lately.

Kindly oblige.

Thanks,

Kate

P.S. -- Ok, that picture may be a bit old... like 9 months or something. But, I took it with you in mind and have been waiting for just the right opportunity to show it to you.

P.P.S. -- Boo!!

P.P.P.S. -- Did I scare you?

Correction

Dear Kate,

A girl without integrity is a trollop.

Good luck,
Molly

Butterflies, Etc.

Dear Molly,

I have an incredibly inappropriate -- albeit reciprocated -- crush on someone I work with. It's been building up for the last two years, and it's kinda silly.

I'm not looking for any advice, though. There's nothing I can do without going against some very strict and necessary codes of integrity. Which I simply will not do. A girl's nothing without her integrity.

And karma's a bitch.

Basically, I'm whining 'cause I'm pining.

Sigh,

Kate

Sea Change

Dear Kate,

This is probably the easiest problem with which I've ever been confronted. You should know the answer.

DON'T PANIC.

Take a breath. Look around. This is nothing you can't fix with a towel. Simply fashion your towel into a sail using a piece of the boat as a mast and use those crazy winds to carry you to safety.

See? You don't need anyone else to help you out of this mess. You just need your towel.

Wait...

You don't have your towel with you?

Well, then, you're screwed.

Sorry,
Molly

Sea Dreams

Dear Molly,

What if the chair I'm sitting in suddenly transforms into a boat and the floor turns into an ocean, and before I know it, I'm way out to sea with no hope of return? What if I call out for help, but nobody hears me because A) the winds are blowing like crazy in all directions, and B) I'm in the middle of the ocean, duh.

What the hell would I do?

Thanks,
Kate

The Code by which I live

Dear Kate,

What a stupid thing our brother did and what a great picture of him. While I am an advocate for corporal punishment and the death penalty in particular (the chest freezer in my basement can attest to that), I think, perhaps, that death might not fit the bill here. Your aim should be to drive Vincent crazy, not kill him. What I'm going to suggest will take time, resources, and, yes, even a little cunning.

Here's what to do: procure five or so cell phones with the same ring tone as Vincent's and on one evening, when he isn't home, hide them around his apartment. I'm not talking under the couch, I'm talking in the couch. This is where its going to take some time. I suggest ripping a seam in the couch, inserting a cell phone deep into the bones of the couch, and then resewing the seam of the couch up. Other suggested hides places might be in the ceiling tiles or stuffed into the middle of his pillow. If you really wanted to be clever, you could get your hands on a tiny device that played his ring tone by remote and feed it to his cat.

After all the decoys are in place, simply activate one by calling it some evening when you are hanging out at his place. (First you must steal his real phone, of course, so he doesn't know where it is) Watch as he frantically searches around for his phone as it rings and rings. If he should get close to finding one of the decoys, hang up. Wait a half an hour and repeat this activity. And. voila! Not only is this a great punishment for him, but great fun for you.

Sit back and enjoy the madness you have created.

Yours,
Draco...I mean, Molly

$#@*&#!

Dear Molly,

This past week, I didn't write to you for advice even once. Recent events will prove this is obviously not a good idea.

Last night, our favorite brother was visiting, and in an attempt to break into my password-protected phone, he ended up sending it into super-duper security overdrive... and wiped it CLEAN. Operating system and all.

My question: what will serve as sufficient punishment? Is murder too drastic?

Thanks,

Kate

Dear Kate,

I must admit, this phenomenon perplexed me as well. I went to see District 9 with a friend of mine and he and I came away with two different opinions of it. I thought it was decent, but would have been a lot better had the director, Neil Blomkamp, had stuck to the documentary format, instead of switching to the traditional action/sci-fi format. My friend, however, walked out of the theater excitedly mimicking the explosions. Now don't get me wrong, I love sci-fi and explosions as much as the next dork, but explosions do not for an Oscar nomination make.
If Blomkamp had stuck to the documentary style, I think I would have been much more gung-ho about seeing it on the Oscars list. He would have succeeded in creating a sci-fi social comentary, not that these are at all rare (see PK Dick), but he would have done so using, in my opinion, a visionary format, that I have not yet seen. Instead the resulting product seems to be something that started out as a movie to inspire thought, but ended up just another crowd pleaser.
Over all, I was quite displeased with the Oscar nominations. Avatar did not belong anywhere near the best picture catagory- I'll grant you special effects, but the story was crap. I'm not surprised in the least that UP won for best animation (although my preference was the Fantastic Mr. Fox), original score, however, is another story. I really think that ought to have gone to Sherlock Holmes. I'm thrilled for the Hurt Locker, its just a shame not many people knew what that one was. Best Actress: while this should have gone to Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock is a terribly underated actress, which is partly her fault for doing movies like Premonition and the Proposal. Plus, the woman's a god-damned lady. Look at the way she carries herself. I'm not surprised she was raised in the South (thats South, not south. There's a fine line between the two, and that line makes all the difference.)
Now, let's talk about something much more important: the fashion. Again, I wasn't terribly impressed. There were a few people who knew what they were doing, but the overall impression was that the 82nd Academy Awards were a casual affari. May this was due to the overabundance of youth. Miley Cyrus, Carey Mulligan, and who the hell is this guy and why do I want to punch him in the face?? The people who looked the best were, of course, the seasoned veterans. Helen Mirren, for instance, looked amaing. As did Sandra Bullock. What was up with Demi Moore, though? It looked like she got a bunch of work done to look to Penelope Cruz with out the amazing curves. And Sarah Jessica Parker was just terrifying. How about Robert Downey Jr. bright blue bowtie? Why?

I've exhausted myself,
Molly

Whaaa?

Dear Molly,

This is an exciting night for me. As you know, I'm currently watching the 82nd annual Academy Awards. I have seen all but two (2) of the nominations for best film.

I have one simple question for you this evening.

District 9? Really??

Thanks,

Kate

I've got a head for business and a bod for sin

Dear Kate,

I have but one suggestion for you: rent Working Girl. All you need to know is in that movie.

All the luck,
Molly

She Works Hard For the Money (So Hard For It, Honey)

Dear Molly,

My question for you tonight: How do I get taken seriously as a female in the very male-oriented world of corporate finance?

I know a lady who married the boss, but I don't think I'll be eligible for that benefit for quite some time.

Thanks,
Kate

Chuck Norris to the Rescue

Dear Kate,

For God's sake, just punch the guy in the neck. You know what he's probably thinking about? Princess Di. What kind of pansy boy did his mama raise? You owe it to her to put an end to this. I'll tell you this girl's mama didn't raise no fool. I was taught boys don't cry. You need to do this guy, and the public, a favor and stop this shameful scene.

Punch him in the neck. Its for the common good.

Always glad to help,
Molly

Please, Satan, Blow It Out

Dear Molly,

The pianist in the public atrium where I'm presently enjoying my lunch is playing an incredibly mournful rendition of "Candle In the Wind." And he's super into it. Like, laying hard into every note into it. With his eyes closed into it. I think he might be crying, he's so into it.

Basically, he's playing this song like it's his last.

So how do I make him stop?

Thanks,
Kate

Kill the Rabbit, Kill the Rabbit!

Dear Kate,

Lets take a moment and assign happiness to a character we are all familiar with. Happiness is the White Rabbit. Picture it: You're sitting beneath a tree beside a brook on a lovely sunny day, wanting for nothing, when you see see the White Rabbit. You get up and you call to it. As soon as you do, off it hops further down the rabbit hole. In your natural curiosity, you follow suite. By the time you catch that rabbit, you're going to find that you were where you ought to have been the entire time.

We humans have a tendency to become complacent in our lives. We forget to take stock of what we have and appreciate it. That is where happiness comes from- the recognition that what we have is worth something.

Stop searching and start enjoying. You won't find happiness down some rabbit hole.

On the other hand, its possible what you are feeling right now is just gas.

Happily,
Your Sister,
Molly

WHAT IS GOING ON UP HERE?

Dear Molly,

This winter is simply whizzing by, and I've experienced almost none of the doldrums I have in other years. What gives?

I've been:

• eating right (I've successfully eliminated red meat from my diet again)

• getting plenty of sleep (like, seven hours per night)

• spending lots of time with quality people (and ignoring the shabby ones)

• reading loads of good books (I've even rediscovered my affinity for modern poetry)

• seeing tons of entertaining movies (Oscars are in less than a WEEK, dude!)

• listening to lots of good music (and even dancing like so sometimes)

• writing extensively and more frequently (in places other than here, even)

• drinking a lot less wine and a lot more of this stuff

• ... ... ...

Could this be what all those crazy people talk about? Could I be... HAPPY? And if so, did I just jinx it?

Thanks,
Kate

P.S. -- No, I'm not on the happy pills.